Attachments and Crazies

Quite recently I have found myself in a situation where my entire being has been slowly sucked into an attachment to another person that left very little room for anything inside me (particularly my head), but constant thinking about the other person.

I suppose it would be accurate to say that in a way I found myself becoming obsessed about another person. Or at the very least, I came pretty darn close to the verge of obsession. I have experienced something like that perhaps twice before in my life. The very first time I simply stayed in that state, until it went away on its own, without acting out on it in any physical way, except crying a lot. Of course I was thinking about it all the time, but I do that with anything anyway!

Second time has been a very positive experience. The person on receiving end of my attachment has desired such attachment from me. Additionally, we both have been able to establish an incredible sense of trust and intimacy between us that allowed us to be honest with each other. Both of us knew how to communicate effectively, without shame and need to hide our real feelings/pains/hurts/confusions/questions and so on. To this day we are best friends, and he is one of the three people whom I can trust my inner self, and open up completely.

Relationships

Few days ago a Jewish friend of mine told me about his recent courtship of a very traditional Muslim girl that didn’t turn into a full blown relationship, instead they ended it as friends. I got a sense that the two of them really liked each other, and had it not been for the girl’s inability to make a decision that would put her at odds with her family (not even so much from a religious point of view – Jewish and Muslim, as much as cultural divide, American versus Afghan), they would happily carried on with the relationship, and took it beyond being friends. As the girl wasn’t sure she could go against the wishes of her family, which would naturally want her to marry an Afghan boy, or remain single, my friend wasn’t willing to stir up the controversy in his own family by telling them he is dating a Muslim. Long story short, they called it a day.

Over the years I have observed a number of interracial and/or interfaith relationships, and I find that it only works when a couple is loyal and true to each other before everything else and everyone else. Relationships are hard, you bring yourself, your own baggage, your family, your family’s expectations, hopes, and plans for you, your own expectations, hopes and plans for yourself. The other person is coming and bringing the same to you, and all of sudden things are getting really really really messy, complicated, stormy, and you are starting to wonder if a relationship is worse all the drama.

If the answer is “Yes, this particular relationship is worth all the drama”, the only way it can survive if its core is strong, and the couple believes in each other. If the core is there, everything else can be negotiated with both sides of the family.

Another friend of mine, who married out of his race, shared with me how he handled the breaking of his choice to his family. He said to his mother that the girl was going to be his wife with his mother’s blessing or without, and having her blessings would be a lot nicer than not having her blessings. Now that is what I call wise management of one’s family!!!

Today

Today I said “Bye” to a connection that was very precious and special to me. Its time was up… But how it hurts… I have been crying for the last 4 hours or, and it is yet to get any better. My tears are very salty tonight, and there are so many of them…

Pain is painful… It is dark waves swirl throughout the body, and occasionally its claws make it to the heart. Sometimes it cannot do much more than sink its claws into your heart, and quickly remove the claws; retreat away, only to repeat the maneuver again and again, but not for that long. Other times the pain grabs a hold of your heart, and while squeezing it tightly with one hand, it rakes your heart with the other hand.. For hours… Today it is the later for me….

Confusions In My Life

Lately I have been finding myself in various states of confusion. There are events/interactions/meetings taking place that are leaving me puzzled. I am trying to just breathe and figure out what it is that I need for myself. I try to listen to what I feel, where I feel, and processes my emotions/feelings instead of acting out on them… which is what I often do… And while I can identify what I feel, that knowledge brings me no solutions…

A close friend of mine shuts me out without any warning because I deleted what I thought was a rude comment made about another friend of mine. And that is from someone whom I thought I had instant connection with. A year of shared memories, meals, pains, tears, giggles, laughter, secrets… all that down the drain in a moment of emotional acting out… No warning, no explanations, nothing, except shut doors in my face, just like that! What an ugly morning it was for me when I discovered that I have been thrown away and discarded like unneeded thing.

Then the same person sends me an apology letter, and is trying to reach out to me. But how can I reach back? The bond that I thought we shared, and took a year to grow, was destroyed in less than few minutes. I don’t know what to write back, what to say, how to open up again…

I want to ask that person “Couldn’t you just take a deep breath, and give yourself a chance to think, and perhaps that would give our friendship a chance to not be destroyed because of your anger?” And that anger wasn’t even justified! Did you think it was fair of you to put me in a position of having to pacify you and my other friend?

Love

Love is funny. I always love, I don’t think I can go without loving someone or something. That is just my nature. However, I never thought I would fall in love; loving isn’t the same as being in love. Now, I am affraid I am in love with someone who wants nothing to do with me. I pine away after a man I hardly know, never really bothered to know because I was busy talking about myself, and when I finally came around to realize how I feel, it was too late. I managed to drive him away without any chance of finding out if we were meant to be together. Even worse, we cannot even be friends.

Facing the old date

I ran into a guy who courted me few years back, and to whom I, fairly clumsily, said “No” to. Basically, I hurt him, not intentionally, but I hurt him nevertheless. And there he is, at the shul, with his second time around pregnant wife, and holding his son.

He was clearly uncomfortable around me; truth is both of them (him and his wife) always seem to be uncomfortable around me whenever we are in the same company. I always think it is because part of him is still sad it didn’t work out between us (he was ready to propose), and she is… oh, I don’t know… threaten by my past dating connection with him? Hmm… maybe it is just my ego talking, and they are not uncomfortable, and it is all in my head?