Together

An email correspondence on philosophical subjects with an acquaintance made me pound on the idea of the importance I place on tying the knowledge I learn to the practical part of my life – internally and externally. A study/conversation/analysis/reading on the topic of good versus bad (along with many other topics) will forever hold my attention. At the same time, unless I channel my internal struggles that are blend of intellectual, emotional, and mental yearnings.

What good is any of my struggles unless I (1) learn from them, and (2) use the knowledge to better myself inside and out? If I learn about the importance of doing a good deal, but never act out on it in any way or form, what good was that learning? An intellectual masturbation to use for my own entertainment whenever I have the time for it?

I recall a question asked by a professor of moral philosophy after he got caught cheating on his wife. He wanted to know if people would expect him to turn into a triangle if he was a professor of math.

Essentially he was proposing that he isn’t his teachings. If he isn’t his teachings even a little bit, then why bother learning? What is the value in obtaining the knowledge of any sort unless you allow it or work towards allowing that knowledge to penetrate you?

One of the points of my journey is to bring it all together, and allow everything to blend in together (hopefully harmoniously) to create a whole picture.

Nothing

The only thing that we know is that we know nothing and that is the highest flight of human wisdom. – Leo Tolstoy

Bungee Jumping 1

I bungee jumped today… I jumped off the legally highest bridge in USA. The very fact that I hopped on the bridge, looked down, and jumped anyway, is still giving me a major head rush. I was asked if the jump was “heart got stuck in your mouth.” My reply – “It was a lot more powerful than that. It was like a heart getting stuck in your throat, the pit of your stomach dropping, you tremble all over, and there is a huge boom inside your head.”

I think the fact that you have to be willing to jump off that bridge yourself, without anyone pushing you, is the biggest challenge of it all. You are getting help all the way throughout the entire process until the very end. Someone will help you into the harness, someone will teach you the basics of what you are supposed to, someone will help you to get strapped on to the cords, someone will assist you getting over the bridge, but then… then you are on your own… And if you don’t let go of the rails, then you don’t jump.

I let go off the rails… I let go, and for a split second I literally felt myself getting lost in nothingness, when even the fear let go off me. A second later the fear came rushing back in, and hit me full force in a stomach. All its wild energy was coursing through my stomach, making me tremble and see the shooting starts that I have never seen before, and I have seen a lot of shooting stars inside my head!

To be continued…

Box 2

All these dissecting of myself, the constant chatter in my head, feelings of restlessness, the endless seeking out for my box, never ending willingness to try new things, being open to new ideas, all these is nothing more than a permanent struggle to define that which makes me “me”.

I sense the attempt to define “me” is senseless. For before one answer is even verbalized, a new one is already taking a place of a previous answer, for my “me” is forever changing, and my “me” can never be a constant variable, for if it becomes such, there are no more discoveries to hold… And what is life without new discoveries?

How much meaning does “Who am I” truly hold, if by the time the question is asked anew, a new answer is given? And so the real question is “Why don’t I give up trying to define myself, and simply accept and embrace my elusive “me”?”

Quote

I saw a quote on the Facebook that said “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear…” It reminded me of a book “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn. One of the ideas in the book was that sometimes a student can be ready, but the teacher doesn’t appear when it is too late.

That leads me to wonder I subscribe to an idea that “better late than never. “Sometimes, with certain events in life, doing, or experiencing, or trying, and or accomplishing something later in life is better than never. But sometimes… sometimes it is just too late.

Box 1

I am finding that maintaining several blogs at the same time is very time consuming, and is feeding into my endless attempts to dissect myself into various parts, have them labeled, and hope that it will be the answer to some question…

My therapist recently asked me why do I keep trying to squeeze parts of myself into different boxes, which I seem to be changing on regular basis, and keep hoping that eventually I will discover the correct box with correct label, instead of just letting go? Why do I really?

In all honesty I am yet to comprehend the question. It is puzzling to me to learn that not everyone does it… Somehow, somewhere, there is a strong sense, almost a conviction, that I ought to belong to some box with a proper label. Perhaps, “belong” is the operative word of the day? I sense that part of my struggle is that I don’t have a sense of belonging anywhere, and I desire to belong….

And this is where I draw blank… Ok, so I discover that I want to belong? But what does it even mean to me? How do I want to belong? Do I desire to belong to someone else? Do I desire to belong as in being part of a community? Or do I merely desire to be accepted with all my contradictions and have my sense of belonging through that. Is that physical? Is it mental? Is it a bit of everything?

To be continued….

Protected: Making Sense

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Learn Already!

Time and time again I amaze myself over the importance I seem to place on people following through with wherever they might have left it off with me.

When I am left with “I will get back to you”, I assume that a person will get back to me and so I do wait!!! Used to wait in both actions and in my mind. Like if someone was to say “I will call you” I would carry the darn phone everywhere with me, and check it every 5 seconds. Actionwise I have gotten to be a lot better. I just make sure that my phone is on. Mindwise… not doing so well.

And it it quite silly too to arrange one’s mental state around the actions of others. What if the schedule for the other person is changed? Or something urgent came up? I mean there are so many variables that can alter someone’s intent to follow through, doesn’t it make more sense to not mentally get into “waiting” mode? Of course it does! And dang it, I wish I could do that, and save myself a great deal of disappointment. And probably make me a lot more pleasant person to deal with too.

You would think I learn already that it is best to go about doing your own thing instead of waiting… but apparently I haven’t yet…

Dark Waves

Emailed all my friends (and non friends too) today about my rides, and posted the same message to my honky dory blog on livejournal. My former co-worker from East Coast has replied saying, and I quote “You are awesome…. your emails … blogs… thoughts are just wonderful… they actually make me think positive and doing good… !!!!”

Getting this particular reply made my morning, no question about it! I read it while driving to work, and for several precious seconds I found myself in this warm and golden place, with happy waves making their dance in my tummy. And few seconds later what popped in my head was my several days old conversation I had with my acupuncturist….

Fear

I struggled to control a powerful sense of physical fear tonight, and now I find myself thinking about different types of fears I am familiar with, sometimes too intimately… And I almost wish to add “sadly”, but somehow the “sadly” doesn’t resonate as true right now.

I have come to conclude that I will pick to experience physical fear over non-physical fear any day…