Struggle

Today I am struggling with the challenge of bridging the gap between what I preach and what I end up doing. Matching my internal beliefs and hopes of how I will act or react in a given situation with the reality of how I actually do act when the situation actually happens is a continuous struggle. I know what the healthy respond ought to be in a given situation, I know what the right respond ought to be in a given situation, but knowing and doing are two different things.

Struggling through getting my actual behavior to match my internal beliefs is a painful process. As I struggle with it, I also find myself combating all bad habits that I have developed to help me to block off this very struggle in the past.

I try to be humble about the humanity aspect of the mad divorce between internal and actual, for it is human to be weak, but damn it, does committing to being honest have to be this difficult???

Back

This is a third blogging stop of the day for me! I am running through all my blogs, and updating them with happy news of my joyful return to the world of blogging! I didn’t run out of ideas, thoughts, and the chatter in my head is as loud as ever! The crush after my big ride created a need for a long break; alas I put few things on hold, blogging was one of them.

And now I am back! Bouncing off the walls, hitting the gym early in a morning, hosting social events for my friends, dreaming about far away lands, checking up on my friends from all over the world, and breathing through it….It feels good to be back to the routine that seems to work best for me.

What is life?

Life is about being in here and now. It is discovering rivers of happiness, goodness, G-dliness, kindness, and compassion within yourself and bringing it forth to the surface, so that the smile doesn’t leave you, and butterflies in your tummy don’t stop their “happy dance”.

Rain

I smelled rain on my way back home. Its smell is intoxicating to me… It smells of early morning and late evenings blended into one… It has velvety touch, and soothing embrace…

Life….

Sometimes I experience those moments of unexplained and utter joy of just being… right here… right now… Everything stands perfectly still inside my head, and the physical world fades away into nothingness. And for a second, or maybe even less, I quietly enter into absolutely silence… And when I come out, I come out knowing that at the end the beauty wins….

Attachments and Crazies

Quite recently I have found myself in a situation where my entire being has been slowly sucked into an attachment to another person that left very little room for anything inside me (particularly my head), but constant thinking about the other person.

I suppose it would be accurate to say that in a way I found myself becoming obsessed about another person. Or at the very least, I came pretty darn close to the verge of obsession. I have experienced something like that perhaps twice before in my life. The very first time I simply stayed in that state, until it went away on its own, without acting out on it in any physical way, except crying a lot. Of course I was thinking about it all the time, but I do that with anything anyway!

Second time has been a very positive experience. The person on receiving end of my attachment has desired such attachment from me. Additionally, we both have been able to establish an incredible sense of trust and intimacy between us that allowed us to be honest with each other. Both of us knew how to communicate effectively, without shame and need to hide our real feelings/pains/hurts/confusions/questions and so on. To this day we are best friends, and he is one of the three people whom I can trust my inner self, and open up completely.

Assholes

A friend of mine wrote to me today that “reality of this world… is very very pure and simple: Nice guys finish last and assholes reap all the rewards.” My reply was that we all have assholes in us.

Even me, whose basic nature is to love, laugh, and make other people happy (truly love, laugh and making people happy makes me happy) has an asshole part as part of my full character. The truth is that I give of myself mostly to those whom I like for whatever reason, sometimes for no reason at all. You know, I just happened to like them, and so I share the better parts of myself with them.

And to those whom I find hard to like… well… they probably think me an asshole for not giving of myself the way they see me do with people I like…

So yes, we all have an asshole in us….

Ya Rayah

I discovered song “Ya Rayah” about a year ago. I listen to it at least twice a day, and I am yet to get tired of listening to it. Aside from familiar and soothingly meditating tune, the song seems to speak to my very soul… Some days it puts a smile on my face, other days it makes me feel sad…

The song is about trying to escape from oneself, and thus always traveling into far away lands hoping to gain answers to questions that are there, but are yet to be spoken. It is about the futility of looking outside ourselves for meaning… The journeys are our escapes from ourselves… We run away from our destiny, instead of facing and living our destinies…

It is about a hope that one day the traveler will learn that there is no running away from oneself… She will pauses to take a breath, and look inside… And when that happens, it shall be a beginning of a new journey, a journey of discovering oneself and learning how to live with oneself…

For none of us can ever escape our destiny, and the fear that our destiny has been there before us, and we are nothing, but mere drop in a ocean we cannot begin to comprehend, let alone attempt to dive into…

Minx!!!

For a big time minx that I am, I am all talk, more talk, and then some more talk! And most of my talks are risqué jokes, sultry implications, and double meanings that can be taken either way. The deadly combo can be thoroughly confusing to people…

“Did she just say what I think she said? No way, she said it so innocently, she couldn’t mean that!”

“Is she hitting on me?”

“Was that a “come on” sign?”

“WoW, is she being for real?”

And perhaps I am being for real, and perhaps I am not! Isn’t it wonderful to wonder???

Lack Of Manners

Frankly I am slightly tired of witnessing, seeing, being a recipient of general lack of manners. When I am told “I will get back to you on this one”, or “Let me follow up with you later”, I will wait, and when the follow up doesn’t come, I will be hurt and mad.

Don’t tell me “Don’t be so sensitive.” I am sensitive, most of us are.

Don’t tell me “It will pass.” Yes, most things will pass, but while they are passing they have tremendous power to hurt us, and it doesn’t have to be that way. If the general callousness is dealt with, and replaced with genuine concern and consistency, a lot of grief wouldn’t have a chance to practice its sharp claws on people.

Don’t tell me “Don’t take it so personally.” Of course it is personal!

None of these empty sayings remove the negativity of essentially being reduced to “unimportant, therefore can be treated with indifference” status.

And if you really, truly believe that such situation is no big deal, then answer this “Why do we do follow up, and do get back to me people at work?” If following up and getting back is no big deal, then let’s be consistent all around with it!