Sometimes I wonder where this energy comes from. At times I feel like a mother hen over my own body; I tell myself how precious my own body is, and there is an enormous sense of vulnerability I feel for my body when I push myself for difficult physical challenges. At other times I still experience moments where I methodically and systematically abuse myself through food and smoking, and seem to almost rejoice in doing so.
The STP ride was an emotional roller coaster. At the very start I was filled with a sense of doom, fear, and a strong sense of guilt. All I could think about how last few weeks leading up to STP ride I have been bumping smokes from people, and eating junk non-stop. Eventually I relaxed enough to calm down, and concentrate on the idea that our bodies are resilient, with large reserves of energy, and the most important thing is to concentrate on here and now, and enjoy the ride.
At some point it finally clicked in my head that I have ridden half of the distance, and I was really going to meet my goal. Towards the very end I became aware of passing people whom I saw as stronger than me, and arrived to the stop before they have. That realization filled me with a sense of reverence towards my own body. How good it is to me that even though I have “bad days” as often as “good days”, it is still willing to work with me, and grow strong?
