Yearly series of short calls or emails with my “I am sorrys” to everyone few days right before Yom Kippur are troublesome to me. On one hand, I feel there is a Jewish standard, a code of behavior, if you will, that is expected of oneself before Yom Kippur. I could be complete wrong here, and this code could just simply be in my own head. Nevertheless, I do feel there is a code of what a Jew does before Yom Kippur. Asking for forgiveness is a part of that code. And asking for forgiveness is an amazing requirement, and ultimately is very good for us. But I do feel that I am being put on a spot on Yom Kippur, and there is a tremendous sense of urgency to ask for forgiveness, and it feels that this urgency overcrowds sincerity.
I do my best to work on myself throughout a year, and not wait with my apologies if I do something wrong. Sometimes I am able to work through shame of being wrong, and sometimes I fail, and I don’t say “I am sorry” right away, or I keep it saved in my own head. Throughout it all I have the time work things out in my head, think about them, talk about them. I have a luxury and leisure of having the time to myself.
Repairing wrong takes time…. A lot of time…. Healing takes time… A lot of time… Meaningful doesn’t happen instantly… It is baby steps… But no worries, I have the time… I have the time… I have the time…
But then Yom Kippur comes, and the giant steps and leaps are happening within tiniest of shortest time spans… So how do I infuse it with meaning that will make up for the whole year?
September 17, 2010 at 1:58 am
Saying I’m sorry is just a small step in repairing a relationship. And some relationships are beyond repair because they may choose to forgive but they may choose to distance themselves from further hurt from the hurter/apologizer in the future, which they have a right to do.
And just like everything in life, if you didn’t have a deadline, there is a chance that many of us will never do it and just postpone it to the inevitable tomorrow. And the time here is not some random date picked out of space but happens to have a real relevant meaning. Just like everything in Judaism, there is a time for sadness, there is a time for joy, there is a time to fast, there is a time to feast, there is a time to enslave/be slaves, there is a time for freedom, there is a time to pay, there is a time to work, there is a time to rest.
Have you heard of the concept that Noah already ate matzah in his days and knew why even though the exodus from Egypt hasn’t happened? It’s just that the time to eat matzahs has always existed started at the 15th of Nissan and everything that happened later that led up to that is just a circle to complete what was ideal for that time of the year.
I’m digressing but in any case, this is the time to ask for apologies and so I ask you for forgiveness if I did or failed to do anything that hurt your feelings.
Gmar Chatima Tova and have an easy fast!
September 17, 2010 at 11:47 am
In some situations I am not ready to say “I am sorry” just yet. Sometimes it is because I don’t necessarily feel that I am the one who ought to be apologizing for the rift in the relationship. Finding the courage to say “I am sorry” anyway is challenging because I have to do that against a part of me that questions if I ought to be sorry for anything. Another part of me wonders if I am being real and sincere enough.
Instances of where I feel I have been hurt by someone also troublesome to me. With some of my hurts, they are big enough that they re-occur in my mind and memories each Yom Kippur, and I discover that there is still a part of me that hasn’t healed yet, and I have to work at forgiving others anew. And then I end up wondering if I was sincere enough the last time.
I guess our emotions and inner world is a big onion. You peel one layer, and you find there is yet another layer to peel.
And we are lucky to have Yom Kippur to keep us grounded and help us to carve out the time to reflect on our shortcomings, and how those affect us, other people, and our relationship with G-d.
Dearest E, you are a wonderful friend, and my feelings are not hurt by you! You have my forgiveness anyway. For myself, please accept my apologies for any hurts that I might have caused you.
G’mar Hatima Tova! I wish you a meaningful fast.
September 17, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Olchik,
Hatima Tova to you. Wanted to contribute to your discussion.
What about people whom I am not willing to forgive, or not willing to forgive just yet? And what about those who I have not spoken to, or those who do not wish to talk to me?
Likewise, if I have hurt you during the time we have known each other, please accept my apologies.
Ilya
September 17, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Ilya,
Excellent point! Indeed, what do we do when we are not ready to forgive? I grapple with the same issues. I don’t think there is an easy answer to this question. Part of Yom Kippur process is to find in you to genuinely forgive despite not being ready otherwise. How do you reconcile that inside? All that comes up is it is hard.
G’mar Hatima Tova! I am looking forward to another year with your presence in my life.