To Give or Not

I have been quite aggressive in my latest attempt to raise money for several different causes that I am supporting through my bike riding. Ever since I came back from India, I have upped my own donations, I constantly bring up the subject in conversations with just about anyone, and find myself being willing to hit up anyone with the request for a donation in any way or form.

The idea of helping others resonates strongly in me. One of the reasons I love Judaism so much (despite frequent headaches it gives me) is the importance it places on the good deeds, charity, and general idea of helping and giving. My family donates generously on regular basis, and we try to volunteer as much as we can. A side point, within my own family we don’t always have consensus on our causes, where to volunteer and which organizations to volunteer for, but we are united in the belief of helping via monetary and non-monetary means.

I don’t think the desire to help is inherent to mankind. If it was intrinsic to us, no major religion would mandate obligatory donations. Judaism, Islam, and Christianity command its followers to donate. I think the fact that these religions not only mandate obligatory donations, but also specify how much people ought to donate, is a further proof that unless forced somehow, a person isn’t necessarily going to help others.

Attachments and Crazies

Quite recently I have found myself in a situation where my entire being has been slowly sucked into an attachment to another person that left very little room for anything inside me (particularly my head), but constant thinking about the other person.

I suppose it would be accurate to say that in a way I found myself becoming obsessed about another person. Or at the very least, I came pretty darn close to the verge of obsession. I have experienced something like that perhaps twice before in my life. The very first time I simply stayed in that state, until it went away on its own, without acting out on it in any physical way, except crying a lot. Of course I was thinking about it all the time, but I do that with anything anyway!

Second time has been a very positive experience. The person on receiving end of my attachment has desired such attachment from me. Additionally, we both have been able to establish an incredible sense of trust and intimacy between us that allowed us to be honest with each other. Both of us knew how to communicate effectively, without shame and need to hide our real feelings/pains/hurts/confusions/questions and so on. To this day we are best friends, and he is one of the three people whom I can trust my inner self, and open up completely.

Guilt

A link to a post that I wrote for a fellow Jewish blogger. The post is about the guilt or lack of when it comes down to frum matters… Here is the link to it http://blogmidrash.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/i-refuse-the-guilt

Me, Body, and Teenager

This morning’s workout totally did me in. I showed up at the gym at 5:15 AM, and oh boy was I sleepy! I think all I got last night was 5 hours of sleep. I am pretty impressed with my own commitment to working out that pushed me to get up so early even though all I wanted was to stay in my wonderfully warm bed.

Did half an hour of cycling with a new guy, who has a great routine, which probably explains his great body. All lean muscle and tons of energy! After half an hour of rigorous cycling, and then off I went for my lifting class with Holly. And folks, working out with Holly is basically getting a taste of what it is like to go through an Army bootcamp. Just about every other instructor I have had is all about being cheerful, and supportive, and lovey dovey. Not Holly. Holly doesn’t tell you what to do, she barks at you! Love Holly! Her routine is less on speed, but more on resistance, and that seems to be my thing as well!

And needless to say my pretty intense workout schedule is paying off!!! While the weight loss itself slow down, which is expected since now my body is in a much better shape (gone the old days when all I had to do was to work out for half an hour, and see the result when I measured my weight), the toning of my body is doing wonderfully! I really do think that my “lean, mean, sexy kitten” goal is within my reach!!!

Assholes

A friend of mine wrote to me today that “reality of this world… is very very pure and simple: Nice guys finish last and assholes reap all the rewards.” My reply was that we all have assholes in us.

Even me, whose basic nature is to love, laugh, and make other people happy (truly love, laugh and making people happy makes me happy) has an asshole part as part of my full character. The truth is that I give of myself mostly to those whom I like for whatever reason, sometimes for no reason at all. You know, I just happened to like them, and so I share the better parts of myself with them.

And to those whom I find hard to like… well… they probably think me an asshole for not giving of myself the way they see me do with people I like…

So yes, we all have an asshole in us….

Ya Rayah

I discovered song “Ya Rayah” about a year ago. I listen to it at least twice a day, and I am yet to get tired of listening to it. Aside from familiar and soothingly meditating tune, the song seems to speak to my very soul… Some days it puts a smile on my face, other days it makes me feel sad…

The song is about trying to escape from oneself, and thus always traveling into far away lands hoping to gain answers to questions that are there, but are yet to be spoken. It is about the futility of looking outside ourselves for meaning… The journeys are our escapes from ourselves… We run away from our destiny, instead of facing and living our destinies…

It is about a hope that one day the traveler will learn that there is no running away from oneself… She will pauses to take a breath, and look inside… And when that happens, it shall be a beginning of a new journey, a journey of discovering oneself and learning how to live with oneself…

For none of us can ever escape our destiny, and the fear that our destiny has been there before us, and we are nothing, but mere drop in a ocean we cannot begin to comprehend, let alone attempt to dive into…

My Judaism

Last few weeks I have been thinking about blogging on “Where I am with my Judaism”, and then I get an email from my friend who wanted to know my opinion on this post http://avrum.net/2009/03/15/whats-it-like-to-be-a-rebellious-child-guest-author-deena-levenstein/

Here is what I wrote in reply to the post:

“Timing is pretty funny thing… Last few days I have been thinking about where I am with my Judaism today, and had planned to blog about it sometimes this week. This morning I get an email from a friend of mine asking me what I thought about this particular posting. One hell of timing, isn’t it?

I am the most rebellious child in my family. I have been so since I was a little girl who just wouldn’t keep her mouth shut… still haven’t learned how to do that. I did, however, learned how to be a lot more diplomatic!!!

I had rebelled against many things. At one point Judaism was my form of rebellion against my parents’ way of life. Part of reason for becoming frum was to separate myself from my parents’ way of life. And then I rebelled against Judaism as well.

And like Deena, at one point the frum way of life just stopped making sense… The meaning of it was lost on me… Having to continue on with the frum obligations while not feeling like doing any of it was TORTURE!

And like Deena, moving away was the best decision I could have made for myself. Moving away allowed me to find a space where I could honestly talk to myself, and do that which resonates true inside me.

Deena, I think you should be very proud of yourself for choosing honesty with yourself versus running away from yourself. It is a long and hard journey, and having traveled one myself, I think any pain to reach a point where one is true to herself/himself is not that big of a price to pay.”

Learn Already!

Time and time again I amaze myself over the importance I seem to place on people following through with wherever they might have left it off with me.

When I am left with “I will get back to you”, I assume that a person will get back to me and so I do wait!!! Used to wait in both actions and in my mind. Like if someone was to say “I will call you” I would carry the darn phone everywhere with me, and check it every 5 seconds. Actionwise I have gotten to be a lot better. I just make sure that my phone is on. Mindwise… not doing so well.

And it it quite silly too to arrange one’s mental state around the actions of others. What if the schedule for the other person is changed? Or something urgent came up? I mean there are so many variables that can alter someone’s intent to follow through, doesn’t it make more sense to not mentally get into “waiting” mode? Of course it does! And dang it, I wish I could do that, and save myself a great deal of disappointment. And probably make me a lot more pleasant person to deal with too.

You would think I learn already that it is best to go about doing your own thing instead of waiting… but apparently I haven’t yet…

Dark Waves

Emailed all my friends (and non friends too) today about my rides, and posted the same message to my honky dory blog on livejournal. My former co-worker from East Coast has replied saying, and I quote “You are awesome…. your emails … blogs… thoughts are just wonderful… they actually make me think positive and doing good… !!!!”

Getting this particular reply made my morning, no question about it! I read it while driving to work, and for several precious seconds I found myself in this warm and golden place, with happy waves making their dance in my tummy. And few seconds later what popped in my head was my several days old conversation I had with my acupuncturist….

Relationships

Few days ago a Jewish friend of mine told me about his recent courtship of a very traditional Muslim girl that didn’t turn into a full blown relationship, instead they ended it as friends. I got a sense that the two of them really liked each other, and had it not been for the girl’s inability to make a decision that would put her at odds with her family (not even so much from a religious point of view – Jewish and Muslim, as much as cultural divide, American versus Afghan), they would happily carried on with the relationship, and took it beyond being friends. As the girl wasn’t sure she could go against the wishes of her family, which would naturally want her to marry an Afghan boy, or remain single, my friend wasn’t willing to stir up the controversy in his own family by telling them he is dating a Muslim. Long story short, they called it a day.

Over the years I have observed a number of interracial and/or interfaith relationships, and I find that it only works when a couple is loyal and true to each other before everything else and everyone else. Relationships are hard, you bring yourself, your own baggage, your family, your family’s expectations, hopes, and plans for you, your own expectations, hopes and plans for yourself. The other person is coming and bringing the same to you, and all of sudden things are getting really really really messy, complicated, stormy, and you are starting to wonder if a relationship is worse all the drama.

If the answer is “Yes, this particular relationship is worth all the drama”, the only way it can survive if its core is strong, and the couple believes in each other. If the core is there, everything else can be negotiated with both sides of the family.

Another friend of mine, who married out of his race, shared with me how he handled the breaking of his choice to his family. He said to his mother that the girl was going to be his wife with his mother’s blessing or without, and having her blessings would be a lot nicer than not having her blessings. Now that is what I call wise management of one’s family!!!