Intimacy

I was going over some of my old conversations with my therapist, and I vividly recalled the day when in a course of our conversation she said “Intimacy is messy.” I remember being shocked, and disappointed. My reaction was “What are you talking about? I have always known that once I learn how to recognize and verbalize my inner demons, everything will just fall in places, and life will be hunky-dory.”

Now as I remember that conversation, I want to laugh and laugh and laugh some more at the naïve kid part of myself. Not in an evil way, or hurtful way. More like an adult would laugh at cutely scheming kid, who is hoping to get a big piece of candy without putting in any work.

Of course intimacy is messy! And hard! And painful! And frustrating! And fragile! And it is no wonder that very few people choose working towards true intimacy with each other over mediocre modes of existing with one another.

Fear

I struggled to control a powerful sense of physical fear tonight, and now I find myself thinking about different types of fears I am familiar with, sometimes too intimately… And I almost wish to add “sadly”, but somehow the “sadly” doesn’t resonate as true right now.

I have come to conclude that I will pick to experience physical fear over non-physical fear any day…

Changes

These days I am rather pleased with my own body. For the first time I can actually see the changes in my body as my workout routine becomes harder and more challenging.

Yes, of course, my body went through major visible changes when I dropped first 50 lbs, and the next 50 lbs. And of course I knew I was changing as I went from size 20something to current size 16. Yet, I couldn’t see the changes. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see the changes.

Silence

A silent answer destroys me. If my verbalized question is met with silence for an answer, it lands me in a black pit full of fear and blackness.

Lack Of Manners

Frankly I am slightly tired of witnessing, seeing, being a recipient of general lack of manners. When I am told “I will get back to you on this one”, or “Let me follow up with you later”, I will wait, and when the follow up doesn’t come, I will be hurt and mad.

Don’t tell me “Don’t be so sensitive.” I am sensitive, most of us are.

Don’t tell me “It will pass.” Yes, most things will pass, but while they are passing they have tremendous power to hurt us, and it doesn’t have to be that way. If the general callousness is dealt with, and replaced with genuine concern and consistency, a lot of grief wouldn’t have a chance to practice its sharp claws on people.

Don’t tell me “Don’t take it so personally.” Of course it is personal!

None of these empty sayings remove the negativity of essentially being reduced to “unimportant, therefore can be treated with indifference” status.

And if you really, truly believe that such situation is no big deal, then answer this “Why do we do follow up, and do get back to me people at work?” If following up and getting back is no big deal, then let’s be consistent all around with it!

???

How many of us have attempted to travel treacherous path of discovering oneself? Ought we not break through the routine of being just like everyone else, and instead attempt to discover who we are?