Settling For Life

Most people settle for things/events/relationships in their lives. At the end of the day very few of us have a strong enough belief in ourselves, and live the life to its fullest through active thinking, constant work on building one’s values, and continuing with a search for meaning.

Our families, communities, societies, inner demons, and internal fears get the best of us. Caving in to the pressure to be just like everyone else is so much easier. An instant relief decision that takes care of a major headache instantly. Oh, sweet, dumb, and naïve joy over not to have to fight anymore.

Let’s be honest, choosing to examine one’s life and the purpose of life is not for the weak. It is a treacherous path, and the entry to it is jealously guarded by various social diabolical, state of the art, dynamics and devices, designed to keep the people as followers, and quash the thinkers or the tendency to think.

As to the few who choose to travel down that path anyway… Well boys, girls and undecided, good luck to us.

Belief

There is this sincere, a child like belief, which I can never let go, that good thing should continue, and never stop. But then the reality kicks in, brings its own damn variables into the equation, and bam, the belief, which I can never let go off, is crushed to death… Once again…

My friend was trying to cheer me on today, and said that “but in same time it’s all our life experiences so we shouldn’t regret or be scared of sadness, burns, pains, etc”

I am not scared of experiences, and yet willingness to experience life as is doesn’t take the sadness away… and that is sad… The journey is always educational, but never painless….

Kind G-d

I struggle with my faith and belief in a kind G-d. Is G-d truly kind? Judaism holds that G-d created us out of love, and is with us at all times, good and bad.

A child is hurt… It is bad… G-d is watching… G-d is there, bearing witness…

What kind of G-d is that who does nothing to stop that?

And this is love?

Inside v. Outside

It always catches me by surprise the vast difference between my inside and outside. Time and time again I am told of how confident I seem to be, and how I have a good grip on the reality, and therefore I must be a very whole person inside.

I suppose the part about confidence is right on a target. But that confidence comes from knowing that I have the energy and to work hard for the things I believe to be worthy of working hard for. And being willing to search for the truth, whatever that may be, also feeds into my confidence.

The “whole person” inside bit catches me of guard. How can you not see that I am always restless inside? And I stuck in endless search for the answers to questions I feel, but cannot always verbalize?

I have managed to learn to bring my restless inside into the “now”, and I am mostly living in the present, with rare stops in “living either in a past or the future”, yet learning how to being aware of the now didn’t make me whole…

I am whole? Do you really see me as such? How come I cannot see it?

Perhaps the idea of wholeness is a complete bullshit anyway… What do I know?

Questions

If an attempt to be honest with oneself comes at the expense of another person, should one proceed with an attempt anyway?

This idea for honesty and truth feels a bit ridiculous at the moment. I hear a voice in my head that says you feel/want/need/etc “X”.  I give power to the voice in my head by verbalizing how I feel, and suddenly I realize that it isn’t “X” I was feeling all along, but “Y” instead, and while I was trying to figure out whether “X” was the truth or “Y”, someone else got hurt….