Waiting

I am waiting for that, which cannot be… all the while knowing that that, which cannot be, will not be… but waiting all the same…

Crying While Packing

I have cried in many different settings, but crying while packing is a new one for me. One of my gmail statuses says “I have cried in many different settings, though never while packing. First time for everything! Let’s toast to my first crying while packing!” And truly, I ought to toast my tears from time to time. Why should only my laughter be celebrated? My tears are more real and truthful than my laughter…

I am crying tonight because being on a receiving end of a prolong lie hurts. It sucks to be in that position; and this point I am getting pretty frustrated with my own tears, and impatiently trying to whip myself into a shape, stop waiting for an apology, and just move on. I am having quite a hard time feeling compassionate towards myself right now, my crying has been going for four hours now… Hasn’t it been long enough? Can it not stop now?

Photo Shoot

Finally got around to chatting with a photographer about setting up a shooting session. I have told a number of people that after I hit a certain goal in my weight loss, I will take tons of pictures of myself as the way to balance out all the years when I ran away from the camera.

Now that I have met my goal, the entire matter of taking pictures has become a bit complicated. I don’t want the experience to be a mere photo session. This moment of my life is a precious moment. The weight loss is a lot more than a physical deal for me. For me the weight issue is connected to a great deal of pain, struggles of all kinds, and deep depression.

My soul have been suffering, my inner world have been submerged in chaos; inside I felt nothing but a huge gapping hole that caused me such suffering, and the only way to shut that hole was to constantly feed it.

Sealing that hole took a lot of courage. I have traveled thorny roads, I have bled many times, I have cried bloody tears and screamed soundless cries, and at the end I learned what I needed to do to seal the hole. How do you capture being behind invisible bars? How do you reveal your bleeding heart to the world without cracking your chest?

When I Work Out

When I work out I get vivid images of different foods walking out of my body. I am at the center, with the foods lining themselves in rows, and walking out of me, and away from me. They aren’t really foods; it is bitter shame, repressed anger, years of resentment, rage, darkness, helplessness, hurt, weariness, ugliness, and pain waking away…

Lost Beauty

I hate and despise it when a guy tries to hit on a girl as a booty call, and when is told that it is rude, he tries to put a positive spin on it “Oh, I am paying you a compliment. Why are you being such a bitch to me? What’s wrong with your self esteem?”

What is there to do in a face of such smug and blind belief that a woman is there solely to be treated as he deems her worthy to be treated pending his current mood, needs, and desires without any regard to her as a human being?

This craziness eats into my weary soul, and plunges it further into dark oceans of endless mourning over lost beauty…