There are nights in my life, where I feel nothing inside but pain. It is a black bottomless pit I keep falling into. Most of the time I try to fight it, and distract myself from it. Often, I fall into it, and when I do, I find myself swimming in the ocean of tears. One tear at time, slowly rolling down my cheek; wave after wave, the pain hits against my ribcage, squeezes my heart with its steel claws, and tears my soul apart with its steel teeth. Inside my head I am screaming soundless screams, they are loudly echoing in my head. I close my eyes, and drown inside shooting pain, as the life is slowly sipping out of me, rolling away out of my reach, and then I am no more……
September 9, 2008 at 5:21 pm
That merciless storm of agony, so pure in its nature that no measure of denial or deception of joyous thoughts can taint its bright eye. When the pain isn’t caused by misplaced greed or magnified loss of selfish entitlement, how can it be consoled by lies of healing?
September 9, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Your post pains me… I work through my pain in a hope that along the way I will learn how to make sense of it all, and heal… Are you saying it is not an option then?
September 9, 2008 at 5:36 pm
What is healing really? The pain isn’t physical that would fade and disappear with no traces left.
“True pain” as opposed to minor disappointments guising as pain, has an existance and an essense. What it affects cannot be dismembered and thrown away.
Like a skilled Indian snake charmer, you can pet the poisonous cobra and carry it around with caution but always with the knowledge that it can very well be fatal.
September 9, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I treasure my pain, but it need not to dominate my entire life. Being able to make space inside for the pain, as well as for the happiness, would be healing for me…
September 9, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Yes indeed. That would be the only way to heal. But there is a logical flaw in considering the healing a permanent step. To contain the pain inside in a restful space depends on our ability to tame it. But that ability isn’t constant as some might assume. You don’t just master it and then leave it. Fragile as we are, our capacity to handle hurt changes like the serpent losing his touch. A pain that was a faint memory yesterday could be a burning fire today, hence the constant caution and struggle to not let it rebell.
It is better to be a cynic and prepared than naive and shattered.
September 9, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I loved everything about the last post, except the “cynic” part. Can we not be wise and prepared? Or perhaps simply be aware of potential pitfalls that pain can through into our path, and be prepared?
Cynic bothers me… It erodes the positive of the struggle with one’s pain.
September 9, 2008 at 6:30 pm
My definatin of cynical is perhaps different than what you think.
We live, I believe, in a hope infested society. Everything can be done, time can be stopped, we are all special, every person can achieve the american dream etc…. The not so fine line between hope and fantasy is blurred. In such a world: Optimist=Dellusional, Realist=Hopeful and Cynic=Realist
September 9, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Ahhh… I am special, alright
)))