Random

Tisha B’av was just here, and I found myself watching a number of movies about Holocaust and Israel/Palestinian issues. Some pieces make me cry, some make me feel angry, others make me wonder if I should learn how to shoot just in case, and all of them lead me to face endless “whys”.

Why can’t we rid ourselves from cruelty? Why can’t we see that we are more similar than different? Why can’t we talk our differences instead of killing each other over them? Why do people allow themselves to become animals?

I was at Chamber music performance today… Majority of performers are Jews from different walks of life. Music is a big part of us… Is that because we weren’t allowed to use words to speak of our pain, but through music we could cry our pain? Or is that because it is what it is?

I am a very troubled Jewess tonight…

NO

It is good that you don’t know the power you have over me. Because if you knew, who knows what you would choose to do with it? And who knows how bad it might be for me?

Your dysfunctional dynamics are yours alone. I have my own that I deal with. I cannot, and I will not, get caught up in yours. For it is not up to me to heal you. It is only you who can do that for yourself.

I will not allow myself to not be true to what I hold dear, no matter how much it hurts me to say “No” to you. I shall not betray myself. For everything shall pass, even the power you have over me, of which you are not aware, and I shall not speak of

Point?

I am annoyed at the unfairness of life’s twists and dynamics. What is the point of pouring oneself into learning how to be better only to fail oneself miserably? What is the purpose of acquiring knowledge and ideas if when put to the test, one’s wisdom and common (honest?) sense go out of window? Is it that I am weak, and life is teaching me a lesson? Is it that I am weak, and life is punishing me by forcing me to fight my weaknesses?

To My Niece

I have wanted to write this letter to you ever since I saw a movie “Spring 1941″. It was a deeply moving movie; an impression it left on me was deep and lasting. I took my time to invest into reading about the author, whose story is used as basis for the movie.

The author, Ida Fink, is a Polish Jew who survived Holocaust and writes short stories in a form of fiction that are based on her memories. Highly recommend reading her books. One of the quotes from her book stayed with me for several days, “… a young father…realizes appallingly “that he had overslept his life.” It is a beautiful way to summarize an unfortunate waste of personal time on doing nothing that people engage in all the time. While we are young we feel that there is an abundance of time to do everything we want to do, and it is OK to sleep through parts of our lives from time to time.

Then I was thinking about my own “oversleeping” within the context of what I define important in my life, and want to invest my time into. Relationships and having lasting meaningful connections made it to my list of “utmost important things in my life.”

With that in mind, I recalled our fairly recent gmail conversations (I do love google!), where you made a comment that one of my conclusions about you wasn’t accurate at all because I have missed out on some important parts of your personal growth, which made you to be who you are today, and you are quite delightful (absolutely not biased here by the way) young lady.

And you are right, I have missed out on seeing your personal development. It happened, partly, because of the physical distance between us. Partly it happened because I overslept a chance to be involved in your life more; and I am quite sorry for that. And so for myself, I will work harder to make more time to watch you grow, get to know you, and remain connected with you.

Love, your aunt .

In Honor of Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg

2 years ago I signed up for a volunteer assignment with AJWS. My assignment took me all the way to Mumbai, India. I was very happy to have been assigned to that particular location because I knew there was an active Chabad house there. Having traveled through a number of countries before, I have come to rely on Chabad to be my “home” away from home. As I was preparing for my trip, I have gotten in touch with Rabbi Holtzberg and his wife Rivkah via email. My first Shabbat in Mumbai was spent at their house, Nariman House, where I met the rav, his wife, their baby boy, and Norma who was staying with them as she was getting ready for her allayh to Israel.

Getting to their house was quite a challenge; I was faced with frustrating reality of finding an address in Mumbai that can be very exhausting and testing. I had to push and find my way through an enormous living organism that is loud (people talking, car honking, dogs barking, and cows mooing all at once make an interesting symphony), smelly (a combination of trash, food, sewage, and human and animal waste, and unwashed human bodies smells create an unforgettable scent) that was ogling me non stop (a white tall girl in Western clothes is an exotic display for locals), begging for money (I thought I knew poverty, until I made it to India and that was when and where I really learned what poverty is), and sending me off on a goose chase (culturally, Indians have hard time giving negative answer, alas I was directed to go in a wrong direction, instead of being told “I don’t know the address, white lady, ask the next person”).

Few times I came pretty close to giving up, calling it a day, and turning around, but the thought of having a proper Shabbat, homemade meal, and desire to spend Shabbat with Jews instead of staying up alone kept me grounded. I eventualy turned into Hormusji Street (after walking past it at least 5 times), and few minutes later I knew I have arrived at the right place – you couldn’t miss a big sign “Chabad House” written in English and Hebrew. Seeing that sign in a middle of a dusty and overcrowded street in India, with goats running around, colorful laundry hanging from windows, little kids running around naked, and a calf trying to get past me was surreal.

I walked through the gate, and it was stepping into small piece of Israel in a midst of an overwhelming Indian chaos. The court yard reminded me of typical Jerusalem’s court yards with its white marble floor, planned trees, kids toys strewn everywhere, and a special sense of serenity that always presides in Israel on Shabbat. And there was serene Rivka chatting with Norma and watching little Moshe playing with his nanny. A bit later Rabbi Holtzberg came in with more guests, and we sat down to the meal.

In the beautiful house, built through Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg’s efforts, I was treated to delicious home made meal cooked by Rivka, lovely company, and great conversations; it was an amazing and peaceful Shabbat experience. I left the house that day with plans to come back during the week, and was already looking forward to it.

Then next week came, and along with it came violent terror and blind hatred against the Jews that claimed lives of Rabbi Gavriel Holzberg, his wife Rivka, and the guests who were at the house.

The couple came to India because both of them wanted to reach the Jews and help them to experience Judaism even in far away lands. I asked Rabbi Holtzberg why and how they ended up in India, why not Israel or America? His reply was there were plenty of people taking care of the Jews in these countries. But who was going to take care of the American and Israeli Jewish kids who run to India to seek spirituality? Who was going to help those kids to remain connected to Judaism? And so he and Rivka packed and went to build and create space for the Jews in the country they never been to.

Through their hard work and efforts they raised money to build beautiful Chabad house where they welcomed many Jewish travelers, fed them, provided shelter, helped them to get married, shared Shabbat experiences with them (some travelers didn’t experience Shabbat until they met Holtzberg’s), and helped any way they could.

The second Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Gavriel and Rivky Holtzberg was just few weeks ago. And I wonder what is the best way for me to honor their memory? What is the best way for all of us to honor their memory? I think the best way is for each one of us is to continue, in our own individual ways, the good work that Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg did in India.

They went to India to help the Jews. To contribute to the global Jewish community as much as possible. Did you know that quite frequently Rivka baked 200 challans a week? And Rabbi Holtzberg schechted chickens by himself every week so that the guests would have kosher meat? They didn’t choose an easy life that many of us have in the Western world. They chose a difficult path, which they walked with smiles, grace, and endless giving.

And so if this beautiful couple could walk such a difficult path without complains, and shoulder it with grace on regular basis because they believed in helping the Jews anywhere, so can we do our best and help the Jews in our easy worlds. We can get involved with your Jewish communities. We can volunteer for Jewish causes. We can and should marry Jewish. We can donate to the Jewish organizations. We can learn about our heritage. We can celebrate our holidays. We can strive to be Jews who selflessly helps another Jews, as did Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg.

Kvetching

Earlier this week I snapped at one of the participants who was invited to a local Jewish singles event. I snapped because a participant complained about the event. It wasn’t a constructive criticism, or a valid suggestion. It was an old and plain kvetching that is almost always a given constant at most Jewish events. Someone has to find something wrong with the event, and exert enough energy to kvetch.

Basically this is how it went. A participant complained about one of the event’s dynamic, and everyone jumped to smooth it over, and pacify the kvetcher. Then I came along with my snap. I take full ownership of my feedback, and I will call it for what it was. My feedback was a snap at the participant with an advice either stop complaining and attempt to make the best out of the event, or don’t sign up for it.

Dear kvetchers, allow me to be honest and straight forward with you because I am at a point where I am done with trying to diplomatically address or listen to your annoying complains. The truth is, your kvetching is annoying to those of us who take proactive attempts to be social for ourselves and for our community. Your kvetching is a waste of energy that doesn’t produce any positive changes other than causing some of us (in this case me) to roll eyes and think “Oh, and here we go again.”

To host an event is a lot of work and it costs serious money. Most of the events are driven by few dedicated folks who are willing to organize these events for you, fund them (fund raising ain’t easy, here is a hint for you, do donate money to your local Jewish charities, organizations, shuls, and youth organizations) figure out the details and see them through. All these efforts take time, money and a lot of patience. To host an event isn’t easy. And most of the times, you, dear kvetchers, are rarely there to contribute in a meaningful way, be that your time, your money, or your support.

Kvetchers, try being thoughtful and helpful the next you are invited to an event. Graciously accept the invite, show up, and if you see there is room for improvement, a change for a better, reach out to the organizers with practical and meaningful suggestions. Better yet, become involved! Donate money, help to plan, ask how you can help, be there, get involved in your own Jewish community and be useful instead of meaningless kvetching.

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur is around the corner, and I am back to facing my yearly struggle of how to meaningfully apologize for all unkind words I have said during a year, lack of sensitivity I have displayed during a year, and the rest of unpleasant and negative actions I have done to others and myself. I want my apologies and my words to be meaningful and have the sincerity of being real.

Yearly series of short calls or emails with my “I am sorrys” to everyone few days right before Yom Kippur are troublesome to me. On one hand, I feel there is a Jewish standard, a code of behavior, if you will, that is expected of oneself before Yom Kippur. I could be complete wrong here, and this code could just simply be in my own head. Nevertheless, I do feel there is a code of what a Jew does before Yom Kippur. Asking for forgiveness is a part of that code. And asking for forgiveness is an amazing requirement, and ultimately is very good for us. But I do feel that I am being put on a spot on Yom Kippur, and there is a tremendous sense of urgency to ask for forgiveness, and it feels that this urgency overcrowds sincerity.

I do my best to work on myself throughout a year, and not wait with my apologies if I do something wrong. Sometimes I am able to work through shame of being wrong, and sometimes I fail, and I don’t say “I am sorry” right away, or I keep it saved in my own head. Throughout it all I have the time work things out in my head, think about them, talk about them. I have a luxury and leisure of having the time to myself.

Repairing wrong takes time…. A lot of time…. Healing takes time… A lot of time… Meaningful doesn’t happen instantly… It is baby steps… But no worries, I have the time… I have the time… I have the time…

But then Yom Kippur comes, and the giant steps and leaps are happening within tiniest of shortest time spans… So how do I infuse it with meaning that will make up for the whole year?

Orthodox

With all the Chagims coming up in few days, as of late I have been feeling the Jew in me quite strongly. As I am no longer frum, I observe Chagims in a manner that is different from before. With that said, whatever Jewish thing I choose to do, it is always done the frum way. And if I choose not to do something, I neither use a substitute from other streams of Judaism, nor do I say that observing the ritual is outdated. It is merely that I no longer observe it.

Without going deeply into arguing for or against the validity of various Jewish streams, at the end of the day, on a very deeply personal level, I feel that adherence to hallacha in accordance of Orthodox ways is one of the most important reasons why Judaism on a whole is vital and present in our day and time. And so when I pray I do Orthodox way. To pray otherwise doesn’t quite makes sense to me…

Our Cities

I am learning quite a lot from ladies at the shelter. Through them I became aware that a personal relationship to a city is defined by individual socioeconomics realities.

We were driving through Capitol Hill to the shul for a night, and a new lady was pointing out various places in the city. This place has a free breakfast on Mondays, this church has free lunch on Thursdays, and that center allows people to stay inside during cold weather.

I was looking where she was pointing, and thinking “This place has great salsa on Wednesdays, that one has a good happy hour on Thursday nights, and this one features energetic Bollywood nights…”

We live in the same city, but our individual cities are worlds apart…

Never Ending Nothing

Few days ago a woman at the shelter wanted to know where my accent was from. When I told her I was from Uzbekistan, she wanted to know the reasons for my family’s immigration. She then wanted to know if I was happy with USA despite the fact that USA has done so much wrong to other countries, including its own native population.

She gave me a big speech how USA needed to take responsibility for depriving indigenous population of their land, and how it interferes with the land of other nations. I replied that it was good that she was sensitive to these issues, and she can work at making a difference. The lady paused, gave me a puzzled looked and asked “What does any of this have to do with me?” Her answered had me floored. I was speechless for good minute or so. I mumbled something in reply, and excused myself from the conversation.

As I thought more about her question, I realized that her question was a typical attitude of most people. Almost everyone talks about problems, and almost everyone is forever divorced from an understanding that problems will remain unless someone choose to resolve a problem. Here is a problem, there is me, I will talk about problems, but ‘they” (and who exactly are they, and why they, but not you?) will work at resolving problems. It is a never ending mental masturbation of spinning wheels that generate lots of energy that goes into nothing.