Together

An email correspondence on philosophical subjects with an acquaintance made me pound on the idea of the importance I place on tying the knowledge I learn to the practical part of my life – internally and externally. A study/conversation/analysis/reading on the topic of good versus bad (along with many other topics) will forever hold my attention. At the same time, unless I channel my internal struggles that are blend of intellectual, emotional, and mental yearnings.

What good is any of my struggles unless I (1) learn from them, and (2) use the knowledge to better myself inside and out? If I learn about the importance of doing a good deal, but never act out on it in any way or form, what good was that learning? An intellectual masturbation to use for my own entertainment whenever I have the time for it?

I recall a question asked by a professor of moral philosophy after he got caught cheating on his wife. He wanted to know if people would expect him to turn into a triangle if he was a professor of math.

Essentially he was proposing that he isn’t his teachings. If he isn’t his teachings even a little bit, then why bother learning? What is the value in obtaining the knowledge of any sort unless you allow it or work towards allowing that knowledge to penetrate you?

One of the points of my journey is to bring it all together, and allow everything to blend in together (hopefully harmoniously) to create a whole picture.

Nothing

The only thing that we know is that we know nothing and that is the highest flight of human wisdom. – Leo Tolstoy

Bungee Jumping 1

I bungee jumped today… I jumped off the legally highest bridge in USA. The very fact that I hopped on the bridge, looked down, and jumped anyway, is still giving me a major head rush. I was asked if the jump was “heart got stuck in your mouth.” My reply – “It was a lot more powerful than that. It was like a heart getting stuck in your throat, the pit of your stomach dropping, you tremble all over, and there is a huge boom inside your head.”

I think the fact that you have to be willing to jump off that bridge yourself, without anyone pushing you, is the biggest challenge of it all. You are getting help all the way throughout the entire process until the very end. Someone will help you into the harness, someone will teach you the basics of what you are supposed to, someone will help you to get strapped on to the cords, someone will assist you getting over the bridge, but then… then you are on your own… And if you don’t let go of the rails, then you don’t jump.

I let go off the rails… I let go, and for a split second I literally felt myself getting lost in nothingness, when even the fear let go off me. A second later the fear came rushing back in, and hit me full force in a stomach. All its wild energy was coursing through my stomach, making me tremble and see the shooting starts that I have never seen before, and I have seen a lot of shooting stars inside my head!

To be continued…

Box 2

All these dissecting of myself, the constant chatter in my head, feelings of restlessness, the endless seeking out for my box, never ending willingness to try new things, being open to new ideas, all these is nothing more than a permanent struggle to define that which makes me “me”.

I sense the attempt to define “me” is senseless. For before one answer is even verbalized, a new one is already taking a place of a previous answer, for my “me” is forever changing, and my “me” can never be a constant variable, for if it becomes such, there are no more discoveries to hold… And what is life without new discoveries?

How much meaning does “Who am I” truly hold, if by the time the question is asked anew, a new answer is given? And so the real question is “Why don’t I give up trying to define myself, and simply accept and embrace my elusive “me”?”

Quote

I saw a quote on the Facebook that said “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear…” It reminded me of a book “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn. One of the ideas in the book was that sometimes a student can be ready, but the teacher doesn’t appear when it is too late.

That leads me to wonder I subscribe to an idea that “better late than never. “Sometimes, with certain events in life, doing, or experiencing, or trying, and or accomplishing something later in life is better than never. But sometimes… sometimes it is just too late.

Box 1

I am finding that maintaining several blogs at the same time is very time consuming, and is feeding into my endless attempts to dissect myself into various parts, have them labeled, and hope that it will be the answer to some question…

My therapist recently asked me why do I keep trying to squeeze parts of myself into different boxes, which I seem to be changing on regular basis, and keep hoping that eventually I will discover the correct box with correct label, instead of just letting go? Why do I really?

In all honesty I am yet to comprehend the question. It is puzzling to me to learn that not everyone does it… Somehow, somewhere, there is a strong sense, almost a conviction, that I ought to belong to some box with a proper label. Perhaps, “belong” is the operative word of the day? I sense that part of my struggle is that I don’t have a sense of belonging anywhere, and I desire to belong….

And this is where I draw blank… Ok, so I discover that I want to belong? But what does it even mean to me? How do I want to belong? Do I desire to belong to someone else? Do I desire to belong as in being part of a community? Or do I merely desire to be accepted with all my contradictions and have my sense of belonging through that. Is that physical? Is it mental? Is it a bit of everything?

To be continued….

Struggle

Today I am struggling with the challenge of bridging the gap between what I preach and what I end up doing. Matching my internal beliefs and hopes of how I will act or react in a given situation with the reality of how I actually do act when the situation actually happens is a continuous struggle. I know what the healthy respond ought to be in a given situation, I know what the right respond ought to be in a given situation, but knowing and doing are two different things.

Struggling through getting my actual behavior to match my internal beliefs is a painful process. As I struggle with it, I also find myself combating all bad habits that I have developed to help me to block off this very struggle in the past.

I try to be humble about the humanity aspect of the mad divorce between internal and actual, for it is human to be weak, but damn it, does committing to being honest have to be this difficult???

Back

This is a third blogging stop of the day for me! I am running through all my blogs, and updating them with happy news of my joyful return to the world of blogging! I didn’t run out of ideas, thoughts, and the chatter in my head is as loud as ever! The crush after my big ride created a need for a long break; alas I put few things on hold, blogging was one of them.

And now I am back! Bouncing off the walls, hitting the gym early in a morning, hosting social events for my friends, dreaming about far away lands, checking up on my friends from all over the world, and breathing through it….It feels good to be back to the routine that seems to work best for me.

What is life?

Life is about being in here and now. It is discovering rivers of happiness, goodness, G-dliness, kindness, and compassion within yourself and bringing it forth to the surface, so that the smile doesn’t leave you, and butterflies in your tummy don’t stop their “happy dance”.

My Body

My connection with my own body and physical self has been very present in before, post and during STP experiences. Time and time again I am amazed to have fountains of energy to do things.

Sometimes I wonder where this energy comes from. At times I feel like a mother hen over my own body; I tell myself how precious my own body is, and there is an enormous sense of vulnerability I feel for my body when I push myself for difficult physical challenges. At other times I still experience moments where I methodically and systematically abuse myself through food and smoking, and seem to almost rejoice in doing so.

The STP ride was an emotional roller coaster. At the very start I was filled with a sense of doom, fear, and a strong sense of guilt. All I could think about how last few weeks leading up to STP ride I have been bumping smokes from people, and eating junk non-stop. Eventually I relaxed enough to calm down, and concentrate on the idea that our bodies are resilient, with large reserves of energy, and the most important thing is to concentrate on here and now, and enjoy the ride.

At some point it finally clicked in my head that I have ridden half of the distance, and I was really going to meet my goal. Towards the very end I became aware of passing people whom I saw as stronger than me, and arrived to the stop before they have. That realization filled me with a sense of reverence towards my own body. How good it is to me that even though I have “bad days” as often as “good days”, it is still willing to work with me, and grow strong?