Update

After visiting my About page, which I clearly haven’t visited since the beginning of the blog, otherwise I would do what I am about to write about (ho ho ho, too many abouts), a lot sooner.  I changed “Jewish woman” to “Sefardi Jewess.” While I am a Jew (Oh Lord, what was I thinking the day I decided to go all Orthodox?), my identity is that of a Sefardi Jewess, which says a lot for those of you who know what I am talking about!  For those who don’t,  don’t worry, stick with visiting my blog, and you will learn. For, I intend to explain all about the importance of stressing out why I am a Sefardi Jewess, as opposed to merely stating that I am a Jewish woman.  

I am not being real…

It is pretty safe to admit that he great idea of having and maintaining a blog has been shot down to hell. The grand plan, filled with dreams about something big and wonderful, was woefully destroyed by my lack of discipline, and lack of clarity.

Oh, and here is another thing, when I think about my blog, I believe I think my real thoughts that I would like to put down, but… but, but, but… when it comes down to actually sitting down in front of the putter, and typing, I find myself typing some crazy ass stuff that half of the times doesn’t even sound like me.

To be perfectly honest, there are times when I go over my blog, stumble upon a comment, and I think to myself “WoW, that is really me.”

If I was to develop the whole idea of “not me” writing on my blog, then I would have to add that this “not me” is still me… except it is the fake me.

I guess my writing is reflection of me. Most of the time I find myself hiding the essence of who I am, what I am all about…. As I recently said to a co-worker of mine “Behind this fierce exterior hiding a sensitive soul that is easily hurt, but rarely shows it, instead of choosing to hide behind bubbly personality.”

Funnily enough, here I am, jamming in my own head to an Arabic song about how not that everything that sparkles is gold at Bauhaus café in Capitol Hill, and I find myself thinking “Hmm…right now, this post, it is real”…

Oh, I am also missing Buenos Aires, the longing to be back in that slightly crazy place is also real…

Kite Runner

I saw “Kite Runner” a few hours ago.  Good movie, and I absolutely loved the book…What a book it is… I must have read at least 4 times by now. The book touched me deeply; brought up so many conflicting emotions, divided loyalties, personal pains and deep hope that even when bad things happened to good people, it is possible to overcome bad things, continue on to enjoy the life, and just live.

I felt sorry for the father, who, despite strongly instilled sense of honor, honesty, and decency, betrays his values by sleeping with the wife of his friend, and then never publicly acknowledging his son in any way or form. Rationally I understand that going up against a society would bring nothing but disaster for both families; yet, he could have done more for his son with Hazara woman, instead of allowing the boy to be a mere servant to his other son.

Oh oh

I took a look at my blog today, and was properly shocked (whatever the hell “properly shocked” means). Но если честно говорить, то мой блог просто тихий ужас…. Seriously, my blog is in a state of disaster. Забудьте про то что я уже так давно не писала… Самое страшное то что most of my writing sucks!!! Really, it should be with the capital “S.” I mean come on, aside few post (won’t be mentioning which ones), the rest of my posts are boring, often poorly written, and freaking boring again! It is time to change, get real, and write real!!!

Pain

There are nights in my life, where I feel nothing inside but pain. It is a black bottomless pit I keep falling into.  Most of the time I try to fight it, and distract myself from it.  Often, I fall into it, and when I do, I find myself swimming in the ocean of tears.  One tear at time, slowly rolling down my cheek; wave after wave, the pain hits against my ribcage, squeezes my heart with its steel claws, and tears my soul apart with its steel teeth.  Inside my head I am screaming soundless screams, they are loudly echoing in my head.  I close my eyes, and drown inside shooting pain, as the life is slowly sipping out of me, rolling away out of my reach, and then I am no more……

“Self-Reliance” by Emerson

A few semesters ago I took Domestic and Global Business Environment 640 class for my MBA. Some of the questions, along with subsequent answers were really good; and I thought I would include them in my blog.

One of the articles covered in the class was “Self-Reliance” by Emerson. The class had to answer “What does what Emerson means by “self-reliance”?”

A fellow student had this to say about Emerson: I believe that in the rural isolation of Emerson’s time it was possible to be a self - reliant man. A person who lived with few people around him and was responsible for providing his own livelihood with no help from neighbors or the government was truly self-reliant.