Change

A friend of mine and I had a conversation today about a change. Initially the conversation was about me having lots of energy, and he made a comment that he wished he had my energy, which was said with a smile. I get a lot of comments about the energized bunny in me. My answer was that energy brings energy. Working out and staying active does wonders to keeping active at all times.

Within several minutes our conversation took dynamic of me promoting the benefits of staying active, along with advices on how to do it, and my friend more or less coming up with explanations why it wouldn’t work. And then it hit me that my friend sounded exactly like me not so long. In fact he sounded exactly how most people do when they speak of wanting to change their present, yet never proceed to actually change it.

What I told my friend was that it all comes down to whether or not people truly desire a change. This is what I am learning in all and through my therapies/travels/yo yo dieting/depressions/bad moods/etc: when you truly want a change, you make it happen.

If all you are doing is engaging in verbal/mental/intellectual masturbation about wanting the change, but yet to implement it, you are not at the point where you truly want a change. Some people never arrive to the point where they truly want the change, and they will remain masturbating about it forever and ever. Others do get to the point of truly wanting the change, and truly change their lives.

From my early 20th into my late 20th, there have been two people who have been preaching to me about changing my lifestyle. One is my younger sister, and second is an online buddy whom I never met, but have chatted regularly for the last 10 years. Both of them have embraced healthy life styles as young adults, and successfully carry on to this day.

For as long as I can remember both of them would talk and explain to me the benefits of staying healthy, and how I can get there. And for good 10 years or so I would come up with one excuse after another excuse, and stayed in the mode of talking about wanting to change, but yet not taking any steps towards the change.

And the day I was truly ready to make the change, I took the first step, second, third, and off I was to making the change happen.

Together

An email correspondence on philosophical subjects with an acquaintance made me pound on the idea of the importance I place on tying the knowledge I learn to the practical part of my life – internally and externally. A study/conversation/analysis/reading on the topic of good versus bad (along with many other topics) will forever hold my attention. At the same time, unless I channel my internal struggles that are blend of intellectual, emotional, and mental yearnings.

What good is any of my struggles unless I (1) learn from them, and (2) use the knowledge to better myself inside and out? If I learn about the importance of doing a good deal, but never act out on it in any way or form, what good was that learning? An intellectual masturbation to use for my own entertainment whenever I have the time for it?

I recall a question asked by a professor of moral philosophy after he got caught cheating on his wife. He wanted to know if people would expect him to turn into a triangle if he was a professor of math.

Essentially he was proposing that he isn’t his teachings. If he isn’t his teachings even a little bit, then why bother learning? What is the value in obtaining the knowledge of any sort unless you allow it or work towards allowing that knowledge to penetrate you?

One of the points of my journey is to bring it all together, and allow everything to blend in together (hopefully harmoniously) to create a whole picture.

Nothing

The only thing that we know is that we know nothing and that is the highest flight of human wisdom. – Leo Tolstoy

Bungee Jumping 1

I bungee jumped today… I jumped off the legally highest bridge in USA. The very fact that I hopped on the bridge, looked down, and jumped anyway, is still giving me a major head rush. I was asked if the jump was “heart got stuck in your mouth.” My reply – “It was a lot more powerful than that. It was like a heart getting stuck in your throat, the pit of your stomach dropping, you tremble all over, and there is a huge boom inside your head.”

I think the fact that you have to be willing to jump off that bridge yourself, without anyone pushing you, is the biggest challenge of it all. You are getting help all the way throughout the entire process until the very end. Someone will help you into the harness, someone will teach you the basics of what you are supposed to, someone will help you to get strapped on to the cords, someone will assist you getting over the bridge, but then… then you are on your own… And if you don’t let go of the rails, then you don’t jump.

I let go off the rails… I let go, and for a split second I literally felt myself getting lost in nothingness, when even the fear let go off me. A second later the fear came rushing back in, and hit me full force in a stomach. All its wild energy was coursing through my stomach, making me tremble and see the shooting starts that I have never seen before, and I have seen a lot of shooting stars inside my head!

To be continued…

Box 2

All these dissecting of myself, the constant chatter in my head, feelings of restlessness, the endless seeking out for my box, never ending willingness to try new things, being open to new ideas, all these is nothing more than a permanent struggle to define that which makes me “me”.

I sense the attempt to define “me” is senseless. For before one answer is even verbalized, a new one is already taking a place of a previous answer, for my “me” is forever changing, and my “me” can never be a constant variable, for if it becomes such, there are no more discoveries to hold… And what is life without new discoveries?

How much meaning does “Who am I” truly hold, if by the time the question is asked anew, a new answer is given? And so the real question is “Why don’t I give up trying to define myself, and simply accept and embrace my elusive “me”?”

Quote

I saw a quote on the Facebook that said “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear…” It reminded me of a book “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn. One of the ideas in the book was that sometimes a student can be ready, but the teacher doesn’t appear when it is too late.

That leads me to wonder I subscribe to an idea that “better late than never. “Sometimes, with certain events in life, doing, or experiencing, or trying, and or accomplishing something later in life is better than never. But sometimes… sometimes it is just too late.

Box 1

I am finding that maintaining several blogs at the same time is very time consuming, and is feeding into my endless attempts to dissect myself into various parts, have them labeled, and hope that it will be the answer to some question…

My therapist recently asked me why do I keep trying to squeeze parts of myself into different boxes, which I seem to be changing on regular basis, and keep hoping that eventually I will discover the correct box with correct label, instead of just letting go? Why do I really?

In all honesty I am yet to comprehend the question. It is puzzling to me to learn that not everyone does it… Somehow, somewhere, there is a strong sense, almost a conviction, that I ought to belong to some box with a proper label. Perhaps, “belong” is the operative word of the day? I sense that part of my struggle is that I don’t have a sense of belonging anywhere, and I desire to belong….

And this is where I draw blank… Ok, so I discover that I want to belong? But what does it even mean to me? How do I want to belong? Do I desire to belong to someone else? Do I desire to belong as in being part of a community? Or do I merely desire to be accepted with all my contradictions and have my sense of belonging through that. Is that physical? Is it mental? Is it a bit of everything?

To be continued….

Struggle

Today I am struggling with the challenge of bridging the gap between what I preach and what I end up doing. Matching my internal beliefs and hopes of how I will act or react in a given situation with the reality of how I actually do act when the situation actually happens is a continuous struggle. I know what the healthy respond ought to be in a given situation, I know what the right respond ought to be in a given situation, but knowing and doing are two different things.

Struggling through getting my actual behavior to match my internal beliefs is a painful process. As I struggle with it, I also find myself combating all bad habits that I have developed to help me to block off this very struggle in the past.

I try to be humble about the humanity aspect of the mad divorce between internal and actual, for it is human to be weak, but damn it, does committing to being honest have to be this difficult???

Back

This is a third blogging stop of the day for me! I am running through all my blogs, and updating them with happy news of my joyful return to the world of blogging! I didn’t run out of ideas, thoughts, and the chatter in my head is as loud as ever! The crush after my big ride created a need for a long break; alas I put few things on hold, blogging was one of them.

And now I am back! Bouncing off the walls, hitting the gym early in a morning, hosting social events for my friends, dreaming about far away lands, checking up on my friends from all over the world, and breathing through it….It feels good to be back to the routine that seems to work best for me.

What is life?

Life is about being in here and now. It is discovering rivers of happiness, goodness, G-dliness, kindness, and compassion within yourself and bringing it forth to the surface, so that the smile doesn’t leave you, and butterflies in your tummy don’t stop their “happy dance”.